Who Told You That? Unlearning Old Stories to Rediscover the Self
Who are you, really?
No, seriously—when you think about yourself, what comes to mind? Are you the “hard worker,” the “hot mess,” the “always-there-for-everyone” friend? Maybe a bit of all of the above?
That constellation of beliefs, roles, traits, and feelings you carry about who you are—that’s your self-concept. And it quietly (or sometimes not-so-quietly) shapes how you feel, act, relate, and live.
What is Self-Concept?
Psychologists like Roy Baumeister have described self-concept as an internal map—a belief system you’ve developed about who you are. It includes your personality traits, social roles, values, and all the stories you tell yourself about... yourself.
"I'm a people pleaser."
"I'm not good at relationships."
"I'm resilient."
"I'm too much."
"I'm not enough."
Some of these beliefs may be empowering. Others? Not so much. But what’s wild is that most of these beliefs are learned, often early in life and shaped by our environment. They're like hand-me-downs we didn’t know we were wearing. And sometimes… they don't fit anymore.
Why Reexamining Your Self-Concept Matters
Here’s the thing: just because you believe something about yourself doesn’t mean it’s true.
We absorb messages from parents, teachers, social media, culture, trauma, and life experiences—messages that often go unchallenged. Over time, those beliefs feel like fact. They become the lens through which we interpret every interaction and opportunity.
But what if your lens is cracked? What if your self-concept is outdated, inaccurate, or just not serving you anymore?
Here’s where healing begins: by becoming aware of the beliefs you hold about yourself and gently challenging the ones that are unkind, limiting, or simply untrue.
How Mindfulness, Mindful Self-Compassion, and CBT Can Help
Let’s look at three powerful ways to reshape your self-concept:
1. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR):
Mindfulness helps us notice our thoughts without automatically believing them. It offers a pause—a moment between stimulus and reaction—where we can ask: “Is this thought helpful? Is it true? Is it kind?”
When you catch yourself thinking “I always mess things up,” mindfulness teaches you to observe that thought as just that—a thought. Not a prophecy. Not a life sentence.
2. Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC):
While mindfulness is about awareness, self-compassion is about how we relate to that awareness. MSC brings in kindness, understanding, and care—especially in moments of struggle or shame.
Instead of spiraling into “I’m broken,” you might say: “This is hard, and I’m doing the best I can. I deserve kindness, even when I mess up.” Over time, this practice softens the inner critic and strengthens a more loving, flexible identity.
3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):
CBT helps us challenge distorted or unhelpful thoughts. Once you’ve identified a limiting belief (e.g., “I’m unlovable”), CBT guides you to gather evidence for and against it, reframe it, and practice new, more balanced thoughts.
CBT essentially says: "Hey, let’s test that belief instead of just living under it."
When you combine these three—mindful awareness, compassionate response, and cognitive reframing—you create a powerhouse trio for reshaping how you see yourself.
A Practice to Try: Mindful Mirror Check-In
Here’s a gentle exercise to begin shifting your self-concept with intention:
The Mindful Mirror Check-In
Stand in front of a mirror. Take a few deep breaths. Let your gaze soften.
Gently say to yourself:
“I am more than my thoughts about myself.”
“Not everything I’ve believed about me is true.”
“I am allowed to change the story.”
Close your eyes and ask yourself:
What’s one belief I hold about myself that no longer serves me?
Where did that belief come from?
What’s a more compassionate belief I’d like to practice instead?
Write your new belief down and keep it somewhere visible. Repeat it when you notice the old one creeping in.
Your self-concept is not set in stone. It's not locked in. It’s a living, evolving story—and you’re the author.
This spring, may you choose to rewrite your narrative with more truth, more tenderness, and more trust in your capacity to grow. You don’t have to stay in the same role you were cast in long ago.
Here’s to blooming into someone kinder, freer, and more authentically you.
